Unfortunately, I have to go back to being somewhat more invisible for a while. Fortunately, I have a chance at a better job, one more suited to my abilities (I think!!!), away from the oppressive place where I currently work and feel like I don’t fit and never will. BUT, the new opportunity will require a thorough background check; I’m afraid if they read some of the things I’ve written, they will never hire me.
SO, I will still post funny things about cats and Elrond Hubby, but I have to let the invisible stay invisible until I know more. I’ll leave this post up for a few days, but I will take down the extremely personal ones. I’ll still read and comment on yours. I feel like “going public”, even anonymously, makes me a stronger person, but not sure the hiring people will see it that way. They may see my background, the list of insecurities and low confidence that have resulted, and say ‘no thanks.’ This is perhaps a struggle that some of you have felt, too. To what extent do we hide who we are to be accepted in society? Why is our culture so success-driven that we can’t let ourselves be who we are, to “improve” on our own time and in our own ways? Yes, some jobs require a certain level of responsibility and level-headedness and decorum. I have those. I’ve made it this far.
Despite my past, but also BECAUSE of it, I have completed a PhD, I lived overseas successfully for 4+ years, I have a good-paying job (that I don’t like, HA) that supports us, I have a wonderful relationship with Elrond Hubby, and I have a few very, very good friends. This blog has been a place where I could bare the raw emotions and reveal the parts of me that I have hidden where I could own up to having feelings that many others would not understand. I have appreciated every single interaction with you who have read it. But, for the moment, I will have to keep those emotions to myself again.
Some people might say, “fuck it,” why would you do this to yourself? Do you really need another job so badly? Yes, I really would like to leave my current job. I feel like I’m slowly eroding to nothingness there, losing ground when I had been gaining it, despite the positive relationships I’ve built at the workplace. I try to make it a good environment, and others do, too, but the general sentiment of the place is negative; no one seems happy; people leave as soon as they can, or they come there at the end of their careers to retire. I realize that most workplaces have problems, but I have hope that being able to work in a position where I can make the most of my background and skills (instead of having to constantly fight against them) will make ME feel better, more fulfilled, in spite of the negativity that may be inherent to any workplace.
Are YOU happy at work? What makes you happy there–is it the people with whom you work, the work you do, a mixture of many things?